"Starting Over"
When Suddenly You Need to Re-evaluate Your Place in This World
The words of John Lennon ring true. Starting over; an amazing concept, and yet as it is as much about life giving, it is as much about life denying. I have not only wondered about it, I have experienced it. It is most apparent when the impact is sudden and irreversible. Most often, you think of divorce and death, yet it extends to other areas of our life.
Recently, a friend (Jan Hutchins) asked that I share my thoughts and feelings on how people cope with the sudden changes which occur in their lives, which if not confronted in a meaningful manner can lead to devastating results in one's personal health and personal relationships with others. In a more global sense, how it can build up or tear down broader based cultural, religious and societal relationships.
During what was one of the most difficult periods in my life, as I faced divorce and the consequences of it, I read from an article in Psychology Today, which helped to provide some clarity for me as I moved forward. The tone of the article was how any decision to divorce or step outside the marriage has moral consequences, because the marriage relationship was based upon a promise and made in covenant with another. However, when a relationship is no longer mutually beneficial and becomes destructive, that relationship must end. And although ending a married relationship may cause pain, pain is no reason to avoid the end. Pain smacks in the face of the old familiar song lyric, "if it feels good, do it!" My take away from the article was this quote, "there are valid moral principles which are self-focused, the most essential being that of self-preservation."
1. FACE YOUR DEMONS
I believe in the case of divorce and separation, self-preservation can be morally validated, yet it is legitimate only if one accepts responsibility for one's actions. Self-responsibility is vital to self-preservation and self-survival. Self-responsibility begins with self-evaluation. Self-evaluation includes facing the demons within you, and in the case of many people, the demons within you which work as barriers in building a relationship with another person.
I believe we all carry demons within us; it is part of our humanity, otherwise we would be divine, and as a person of faith I believe there to be only one self-actualized human being who carries that moniker. Some of the most prevalent demons in a destructive relationship include; control, deceit and detachment. Together these become a harmful cocktail, leading to ill health, misery and damaged familial relationships. It could be argued each of the three aforementioned demons are a result of insecurity, which may well be the case, but each should be examined individually. Control leads to the denigration of another person, because you want to control an outcome. Deceit is an outgrowth of control, hiding and playing games (which in most cases evolves around money and finances but also adulterous behavior). Deceit destroys one's character, which is hard to earn back. Once your character is besmirched, there is little hope to rebuild it. Detachment is an elusive demon, as it impacts your ability to be intimate. Without intimacy, a relationship with another is hard to build. Whether it is love-making or empathy for another, intimacy opens your heart to another person in ways which lay bare your true feelings.
2. FIND SOLACE
I often turn to music to find solace; cheer, support and relief, and in the case of flawed relationships Barbra Streisand's interpretation of the song "Try to Win A Friend" rings true. Written by Larry Gatlin, the song expresses a hopeful attitude when you go through difficult times; remaining friends, even through the hurt and pain cut deep.
3. LIVE THE STRESS
In 1981, David Bowie joined voices with Freddie Mercury and Queen and created a heightened level of musical stress with "Under Pressure."
We live with stress and by learning to cope with it helps us become productive with our time and more capable of timely decision-making. It helps us ward off the negative aspects of stress called 'distress'.
4. SMILE and LAUGH AT ADVERSITY
The great lesson I learned from my mother, Alice was "smile, always smile." Use laughter to your advantage. Over time I have learned this lesson and I have also learned the health advantages of laughter and smiling. In my early days of retail, working in the stock room of Freedlander's in Wooster, OH, my department manager, Royal Snyder reminded me "it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, so always smile, Don." The health benefits of laughter and smiling are well-documented (HelpGuide.org):
One of the attitudes I believe you must adopt when you deal with life changes and stress, in addition to finding humor in life situations, is that perfection, which we often think is what we live for; is fleeting and if you follow the approach of taking 2 Steps Forward, invariably you will take 1 Step Back. That is progress and it also one way to approach stress in your life. Work on it little by little. Pete Hamm, late of the British rock band, Badfinger, who suffered from severe depressive disorder and a victim of his own suicide, lamented his search for perfection in his life. In the song, "Perfection", written for Badfinger's 3rd album, 'Straight Up', he writes:
Recently, a friend (Jan Hutchins) asked that I share my thoughts and feelings on how people cope with the sudden changes which occur in their lives, which if not confronted in a meaningful manner can lead to devastating results in one's personal health and personal relationships with others. In a more global sense, how it can build up or tear down broader based cultural, religious and societal relationships.
During what was one of the most difficult periods in my life, as I faced divorce and the consequences of it, I read from an article in Psychology Today, which helped to provide some clarity for me as I moved forward. The tone of the article was how any decision to divorce or step outside the marriage has moral consequences, because the marriage relationship was based upon a promise and made in covenant with another. However, when a relationship is no longer mutually beneficial and becomes destructive, that relationship must end. And although ending a married relationship may cause pain, pain is no reason to avoid the end. Pain smacks in the face of the old familiar song lyric, "if it feels good, do it!" My take away from the article was this quote, "there are valid moral principles which are self-focused, the most essential being that of self-preservation."
1. FACE YOUR DEMONS
I believe in the case of divorce and separation, self-preservation can be morally validated, yet it is legitimate only if one accepts responsibility for one's actions. Self-responsibility is vital to self-preservation and self-survival. Self-responsibility begins with self-evaluation. Self-evaluation includes facing the demons within you, and in the case of many people, the demons within you which work as barriers in building a relationship with another person.
I believe we all carry demons within us; it is part of our humanity, otherwise we would be divine, and as a person of faith I believe there to be only one self-actualized human being who carries that moniker. Some of the most prevalent demons in a destructive relationship include; control, deceit and detachment. Together these become a harmful cocktail, leading to ill health, misery and damaged familial relationships. It could be argued each of the three aforementioned demons are a result of insecurity, which may well be the case, but each should be examined individually. Control leads to the denigration of another person, because you want to control an outcome. Deceit is an outgrowth of control, hiding and playing games (which in most cases evolves around money and finances but also adulterous behavior). Deceit destroys one's character, which is hard to earn back. Once your character is besmirched, there is little hope to rebuild it. Detachment is an elusive demon, as it impacts your ability to be intimate. Without intimacy, a relationship with another is hard to build. Whether it is love-making or empathy for another, intimacy opens your heart to another person in ways which lay bare your true feelings.
2. FIND SOLACE
I often turn to music to find solace; cheer, support and relief, and in the case of flawed relationships Barbra Streisand's interpretation of the song "Try to Win A Friend" rings true. Written by Larry Gatlin, the song expresses a hopeful attitude when you go through difficult times; remaining friends, even through the hurt and pain cut deep.
"When it's over, really over,
There ain't nothin' can start it over again.
Pack your bags and leave, ain't no use to grieve.
Though you've lost a lover, try to win a friend.
The partings easier when there are smiles instead of tears.
In your dreams you see that moment even if you live a million years.
Shake hands goodbye then, for remember when;
Though you've lost a lover, try to win a friend.
Let him go home, and cry your eyes out,
You'll only feel a little better.
Try to keep your body busy and let your mind forget him.
'Cause when it's over, really over,
There ain't nothin' can start it over again.
Shake hands goodbye then, for remember when;
Though you've lost a lover, try to win a friend.
Though you leave behind a lover,
Leave behind a friend.
Try to win a friend."
Songwriters
LARRY GATLIN
LARRY GATLIN
Published by
Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
3. LIVE THE STRESS
In 1981, David Bowie joined voices with Freddie Mercury and Queen and created a heightened level of musical stress with "Under Pressure."
"Pressure pushing down on me, pressing down on you...
Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
...Love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves."
Stress is good. Use it as the fuel of love to power you through crisis. Yes. Stress can increase blood pressure, but it can also help you focus. It can also help you make decisions, and meet deadlines when otherwise you could not (it can be a motivator). Believe it or not, there is a form of good stress called EUSTRESS (American Academy of Family Physicians). [Eustress means beneficial stress - either psychological, physical (e.g. exercise) or biochemical/radiological (hormesis). The term was coined by endocrinologist Hans Selye, consisting of the Greek prefix 'eu'- meaning "good", and 'stress', literally meaning "good stress"-ref: Wikipedia]. Physicians educate that creativity, problem-solving, change and satisfaction are enhanced when you reach a EUSTRESS equilibrium.
As a person of faith, I channel my stress through prayer which helps bring clarity to a problem and courage to respond and enact a plan of action. Stress can lead you to seek resources to help you respond; motivating you. Remembering Reinhold Niebuhr's advice..."accepting the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference;" (Serenity Prayer) stress can help you prioritize your time and help you establish priorities and better use of your time.We live with stress and by learning to cope with it helps us become productive with our time and more capable of timely decision-making. It helps us ward off the negative aspects of stress called 'distress'.
4. SMILE and LAUGH AT ADVERSITY
The great lesson I learned from my mother, Alice was "smile, always smile." Use laughter to your advantage. Over time I have learned this lesson and I have also learned the health advantages of laughter and smiling. In my early days of retail, working in the stock room of Freedlander's in Wooster, OH, my department manager, Royal Snyder reminded me "it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, so always smile, Don." The health benefits of laughter and smiling are well-documented (HelpGuide.org):
- When you laugh, your body relaxes. Tension is relieved and medical experts say your muscles relax for up to 45 minutes.
- When you laugh, your immune system is boosted. Stress hormones are reduced, immune cells and infection fighting antibodies are increased, enhancing your resistance to disease.
- Endorphins: Feel good with endorphins! The body's natural feel-good chemicals promote and overall sense of well-being and can even help to temporarily relieve pain.
- Your heart smiles with laughter. Vascular function is improved, blood flow increased, helping to protect against a heart attack.
One of the attitudes I believe you must adopt when you deal with life changes and stress, in addition to finding humor in life situations, is that perfection, which we often think is what we live for; is fleeting and if you follow the approach of taking 2 Steps Forward, invariably you will take 1 Step Back. That is progress and it also one way to approach stress in your life. Work on it little by little. Pete Hamm, late of the British rock band, Badfinger, who suffered from severe depressive disorder and a victim of his own suicide, lamented his search for perfection in his life. In the song, "Perfection", written for Badfinger's 3rd album, 'Straight Up', he writes:
"There is no real perfection, There'll be no perfect day...
There's no good revolution, Just power changing hands...
Successful conversation will take you very far...
There is no real perfection, There'll be no perfect man
There's no good kind of killing, Just power taking life
So listen to my song of life, You don't need a gun or a knife
Successful conversation can take you very far
Successful conversation can take you very far"
When suddenly you need to re-evaluate your place in this world, I suggest you face your demons head on, find solace in the things you enjoy, live your stress and laugh and smile at adversity. Find love, peace and happiness in the end.
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